Just-Before-Spring Seasons

February. For the past few years of my life, February has been a month of impending dread. A dark, cold, long month; a month doomed by my psyche as lonely; an end of winter, how-will-I- ever-survive-until-Spring month. February. I could go into a myriad of reasons of how February has deserved this dismal relegation in my eyes, but we all have our seasons and I have grown to believe that even Februaries are sometimes needful and healing to the growing soul. So this quiet, painful Just Before Spring is my February--the one I've embraced.

Gunilla Norris puts it so beautifully in her book, Mystic Garden: "Everything is dormant in the cold. My spirit, too is spilled and scattered. I seem to be at a standstill...Benumbed, we may wonder if perhaps it is in quietude, in seeming deep freeze, that God enters our depth without interference? Below the ever-tracking mind, can we sense, trust, or feel the soul being led? Could we learn to simply accept this, to allow it?"

Now I'm searching for those redeemable moments:

I had an amazing opportunity during February to visit my family in Kansas--my family a thousand miles away. It was a once in a lifetime surprise visit that I will never forget. I came back from that trip haunted by a deliciously heart-rending word--submerged--and picturing a dear one's hands lifted, one slightly more elevated--two uneven plains of existence; to me a sudden sadness, a quick word of correction, of wall-raising. But then a realization that every instance in life has a bit of truth to offer--a lesson to level. And my soul said, 'yes'.

I layed in my bed that night picturing myself perched in the lower hand; my mind bucked at the thought and pushed it away, not wanting to accept this perception. But my soul said 'yes' to the moment; to the element of truth. And when I placed myself in the lifted hand, I realized that I was the one standing at the edge of a cliff, gazing sometimes at the water below, but mostly distracted by the whirlwind around me.

How do we submerge ourselves in Spirit? How do we live in that Divine awareness? I know the truth is simple. The practice can be elusive. This is why I come back to these four lines by Gunilla Norris in her book, Being Home:

First thought--as in 'first light'--

let me be aware that I waken in You

Before I even think that I am in my bed,

let me think that I am in You.

Presence and Awareness--knowing simply that the Divine is not barred from the cliffs we stand on, not confined to the water below, but permeates all. It is my awareness that becomes dull, distracted by life rather than submerged in Life. Recognizing Divine Presence in every moment, every simple daily act--this is the choice to be submerged in a presence we can never escape.

Absolutely Clear

Today I've been mourning my weakness, a bit sad that I don't aways live up to the awake-ness that I pursue in life. I know weakness in itself is an avenue of spiritual growth, but sometimes it's hard to rise above when we feel deflated.

Then I read this, among other of my favorites poems, and found myself back home, so filled up and reminded. This is just what I need.

Absolutely Clear

Don't surrender your loneliness
So quickly.
Let it cut more deep.

Let it ferment and season you
As few human
Or even divine ingredients can.

Something missing in my heart tonight
Has made my eyes so soft
My voice
So tender,

My need of God
Absolutely
Clear.

~Hafiz
(trans. by Daniel Landinsky)

Sacred Sunday: finding stillwaters

Today I'm sitting with some self-doubt and a lot of inner-chatter. This is a common pattern that I'm learning to rest with and wait out. Instead of feeling disturbed, I'm actually interested in the process of what's going on and how to move through it.

Times like this are also part of spiritual growth...finding acceptance and peace, learning to trust and be still. Trying to digest too much at a time can be overwhelming. I read this, I write that, I think and think on everything...what I'm reading, what I'm experiencing, relationships, feelings and questions. System overload. It's better to run one program at time.

So, this week my goal is to slow down, focus in, sit with one idea a day. Instead of reading three chapters of two books, perhaps being still with one idea or question per day would settle my racing thoughts and bring me back to the moment.

This will be a good challenge.

love, love, love...

New Balance.

The last few weeks have been crazy...a whirlwind around me and even more so inside. We've been anticipating school to start. Summer's end is always wild. Everybody needs some serious structure, including me, as I have been indulging in the lazy Summer non-schedule too long. The kids are stir-crazy, my hubby's work schedule is insane. And we all feel it. We are scattered.
And then comes my birthday, which also happens to be the first day of school. I'm not usually one to think much of birthdays. In fact, I often forget about it throughout the day, only to be reminded periodically and say to myself, "Oh yeah!" I'm not a big worrier about the age thing...I'm young. This year, it hit me a few days after my birthday, though. I'm thirty-four. For some reason that bothered me. It's not the age that struck me so much. What hit me was the speed of delivery. I mean, I just turned thirty-three. That's what shook me up. The years really are getting shorter as I get older. They were right. I just lost track of a whole year as I've been sloshing through the month of August.

So for my birthday, I got sneakers...New Balance. They are comfy, cute, and just what I needed. Really, ask me what I need. I did need new shoes. But what I would tell you is balance.