Winter and Waiting

The ground is frozen where I live, covered with a snowy blanket. It's a restful time, a peaceful season. My garden is sleeping. Trees, sprouting with new growth in the Spring, now stand dormant against the harshness of Winter. They somehow seem vulnerable in their bareness. Some types of trees have developed such a strong need for winter dormancy that if they are maintained in an artificial sunny season, perpetually growing, they will suffer from the lack of rest and almost certainly die after a a couple of years.

Could it be that we need these dormant times, too? A time to be still, rooted in the deep, frozen soil? This is the season of peace. The garden is still also, no blooms or color. In the ground, slumbering seeds await the sun's warmth to soften their beds and Spring rains to awaken them from their sleep. But first, the Winter, the Wait.

Are we willing to wait, to let our spirits be still?

More about story...and some of mine

As I get closer to people I'm less inclined to jump to simple conclusions about their life and struggles (or how I might fix them). As the "armchair adviser" in me recedes, compassion, sadness and hope grow. As one of my mentors told me, "When you really get to know another person, sometimes all you'll want to do is weep."

Transparency fosters this continual revelation. And the more open another person is with me, the more clearly I see the truth of Plato's saying, "Be kind to everyone you meet, for everyone is waging a terrible internal battle."

~Jenny Schroedel

I concocted a soymilk eggnog latte this morning, slightly sceptical about how it would turn out. Not bad, though...very sippable. I added just a dash of cinnamon and a few drops of vanilla. Viola! Me, the barista.

Leaving breakfast dishes scattered on the table, I sat down at my computer to start writing, when a full 3D picture of my kitchen sink flashed into my brain, obscuring every other thought. So to the kitchen I flew, mindlessly arranging dirty dishes in a basin of suds and cascading water. Suddenly awareness returned. I blinked my eyes, dazed, hands dripping.

This is about being real, I think to myself. Another authentic moment...the kind that brings you back to the storyline. Mindless dashes are not uncommon in my world, but I've had 34 years now to examine those interesting quirks...not quite so many in higher level thinking.

(I am reminded of this and this and this. )

Here's something real:

When I was younger, I would have instances when disturbing scenarios would repeat over and over in my mind. One common scene would be me getting into a car and shutting the door on my leg. I would try frantically again and again to get that leg in before the door shut. It felt overwhelming, impossible. Finally, with all my brainpower, I would force the leg in and slam the door shut. Sometimes, I felt physically tired from the stress these type of episodes would cause. And, honestly, it was pretty disturbing. I thought I was weird and probably the only person to have this type of brain. High stress seemed to trigger moments like this and make them more intense.

When I felt extra stressed, I would start blinking. Sometimes my eyes would feel stuck closed. I had to work to get them open. As I got older, I would bargain with myself. Say, if I didn't get the silverware put away in the drawer just right, I would have to stab myself with one of the knives. Sounds crazy, I know. I felt a little fearful putting the utensils away, but I never followed through on those sorts of bargains. They were just there, reflecting the inner-struggle. The scenarios changed as I got older, but were always most intense in times of stress or emotional upheaval.

Now I know that I'm not crazy, just a bit obsessive...and knowing is half the battle. I can laugh at my mind's tendancy to need a tidied dorm-room in college before I could start studying.I can laugh at having to make sure the dishes are done before I blog. I can also say to myself, "leave them," and walk away. And that is an accomplishment that brings me peace. My leg no longer gets stuck in the door either. The occasional weird thought is allowed to pass through and move along without having to be "fixed."

A story that once brought me deep pain and frustration now only leaves a tinge of bittersweet. Why? Because this is a little girl I know, whom I have found deep compassion and love for...a little girl who has grown into me. And that makes me smile.

But it's only part of the story and the story is just that...a story....something to learn from, cry, laugh and grow through.

Pumpkins and slowing down.

When my son was about 2 years old he developed a gift for song writing. I like to think he got it from me. His lyrics were thoughtful, well-crafted beyond his years. My favorite of his compositions was The Punkin Song. I obviously can't convey the whole emotion of it without music, but here are the words:

Punkins Punkins
There's so much

to do.

(repeat endlessly)

Now that I think about it, I may have been more of an influence than I believed. I'm pretty sure the Punkins Punkins part was inspired by impending October holidays , but the last part...that was all me.

Since then, I've learned to slow down. sit. feel. let go. and breath. And I'm still learning. It's good.

Happy Halloween. :)

Saturday Morning Gush

Is it just me or does the fact that I can be in the middle of putting dishes away and have a surge of desire for my piano, leaving a handful of spoons awaiting my return, qualify me as easily distracted or easily moved? Am I scattered-brained or passionate? Probably a little bit of both. And I like it and I don't.

This is something that is so me that I've tried to change in my quest for responsible adulthood, in the process finding that I like the quirky me-ness of this little person who I am. I have learned at my best moments to laugh and love idiosyncrasies in my personality that might otherwise frustrate me. This is an honest evaluation of where I'm at right now.

At times I step back from an outside view and imagine my soul saying, "Wow, you are a funny little personality to work with." I know that sounds weird but I guess that's exactly what I mean. Of course my career choice allows me to be a bit more indulgent than people who work outside the home. I get to be the stay-home mom and all that entails while my amazing husband works his tail off to make sure I get a latte every Sunday afternoon. He may step back and ponder my funny personality every now and then too. Nobody, including myself, takes my writing endeavors too seriously yet, so I can't quite claim that as a job. It's more of a lifestyle and an evolution.

I have to admit that when I'm in true form, I am quite childlike. Is that okay? Everything gets done, but it gets done in my fashion. And I'm so much happier when I'm living like that than trying to fit myself into the model of what I have believed for so many years that I should be. Not that I don't have room for growth...I DO. The wonderful thing about this discovery is that I can push my way into someone else's idea of how I need to be OR I can love life as me and celebrate the challenge of facing my weaknesses and strengths in my own wonderful way. This is what I choose because it brings me joy. And joy is awesome inspiration for embracing challenges and change.

Everything

I've had a song by the band Lifehouse repeating on my i-pod for the last few days and now I get to share it with you. The song is called Everything. It's a bit like a crashing meteor to the gut that sends after shocks through your whole body and leaves you with a delicious achey feeling. It is beautiful and lucid and haunting. But one line in particular slams me inside out:

“How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?”

Those of you who love Smallville may have emotional baggage attached to this song. If you don't follow Smallville, let me create some for you:

I am walking along the path to a place I frequent on afternoons like this. I pass a young woman with two bright-faced little girls and greet them with a smile and friendly words. They are a radiant sight together at the water's edge.

"How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?”

Sitting beneath a foot bridge, I look up from my laptop and watch the glistening stream flow northward, northward. An autumnal leaf floats by, carried away by the rippling current.

"How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?”

I read a poem that that lays me flat, stand in a local antique and art market, eyes locked on a faded, earthy landscape. Thank you poet, thank you painter...

"How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?”

The door home opens to the smiles of five brilliant souls who fill my life with meaning. I get to journey with these beautiful growing people. My husband, my children....undefined, ever becoming...with me.

"How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?”

I sit, silent in numinous dark, candle glowing, heart open wide...

"How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?”

What moves you?

a few words from the parenting path...

I did not wake up at 5 a.m. this morning. I had been awake for some time already. I did get out of bed around that time, though, and made my way downstairs to sit in the quiet hours. Conversations from the previous day were lingering through the night and in those waking moments, still persisted in my thoughts.

The conversation was about raising children...that topic. Honestly, I have awesome kids. No, I mean awesome. I've read the gamut of books on the topic and found them useful and worthless. Not one of these author's has raised my child...and I'm not raising yours, but I can tell you what I've learned about life through my experience as a mother. For what it's worth, there's no secret formula and we're all just learning along the way. What a teacher parenting is:)

One of the best things I've come to realize as a parent is that my kids are going to make mistakes...and that's okay. My job is to help them grow through those mistakes and to empower them to choose well, all the while extending grace.

Before I could ever give these gifts to my kids, I had to realize them for myself. My example is my children's first lesson in living. They will mirror my behavior and attitudes about life. Being able to extend grace to myself is a really peaceful place. It's a place where I can say, "Okay, I blew it...let's grow." It's all about, as Thich Nhat Hanh would say, turning compost into flowers....gotta love the compost and flowers.

But the best gift we can give our children is power...the power to choose well.
A few words we use often in our house are: Wisdom, Compassion, Empathy, and Kindness. I tell my children what I believe is absolutely true...that they have all the wisdom they need inside of them to make good choices. The tools to uncover this wisdom are learned. We have the opportunity to teach them to use these tools, by teaching them what these simple concepts mean...and starting young! Don't underestimate kids...and don't lecture them. They get it more than we think. They need the opportunity to solve problems and settle disputes on their own. Ask questions that don't require answers, but action. Then trust them to work it through. Kids can be surprising.

Here are a few concepts to start with (the four I mentioned above) and the definitions I give my kids:

Wisdom: knowing what is right, and doing it
Empower your kids by reminding them that they do have all the wisdom they need right inside them. All they need is the tools...a questioning mind and a desire for truth.
Compassion: the ability to see a need and meet it
Children are naturally compassionate if you give them a chance...expose them to others in need. Don't be afraid to let your kids see the reality of suffering in the world.
Empathy: the ability to feel what others are feeling
Of course, we can't ever feel exactly what others, in their particular circumstances, are feeling. But we can learn to put ourselves in their proverbial shoes and discover what we would feel in their circumstances. Kids are great at this...just ask them. Reading is a great cultivator of this skill, too...children love putting themselves in the place of characters...and they'regood at it.
Kindness: acting with goodness
This wraps it up. The golden rule in short...be kind.

You want a list of rules in your house that will help your children grow?
1.Use Your Wisdom
2.Use Your Compassion
3.Use Your Empathy
4.Treat Each Other With Love and Kindness

My dear child, you have inside you, the potential for good and for evil. You have everything you need to choose well: A mind, to think; A heart, to feel; and a body, to act. You will make mistakes. When you do, give yourself grace. Love the lesson. You will grow in wisdom. Embrace life. And when you pray, let your prayer be 'yes' and 'thank you.'

Mother, Holding Child

Tonight I held my four-year-old in my arms as she slept, her hand still clasped around her glow-wand from earlier in the evening. Her hair smelled like smoke from roasting marshmallows over the fire, but I pulled her close and kissed her sweet blonde head. Her allergies have been a challenge this summer...the nebulizer has become a bedtime routine, but tonight she fell asleep dirty and happy on the couch before her breathing treatment was ready so I swept her up and cradled her in my arms. A moment to pause... moment of Oneness. At that moment, I was simply mother, holding child....no more, no less, no past, no future...just mother, holding child.

Do you need these words today, too?

I'm just posting this because it spoke so clearly to me as I wrote it as a comment to a sweet friend. Do you need these words today, too?

"It's all in perspective. You can either live life with a constant inner-chatter that says, "I should do this or that, I need to do all these things..." Not that you don't have things to accomplish, we just tend to constantly remind ourselves of the towering pile of laundry while we're doing the dishes or teaching our kids to read or sitting down with a cup of tea. At that moment you are not with your dishes or your kids or your soothing cuppa...you are in the middle of the laundry. Just be present, sweet friend...here, now...then, do the next thing. You will be fully teaching your little one to read when you are teaching your little one to read, then you will move on to the next thing with the thought, "Now, I will do the dishes." Do them fully...with your mind on the dishes...thankful and fulfilled in the moment of dishwashing. Be aware of God's Spirit in every moment, every act. Then, do the next thing. Do not worry about all that needs to be done, just do the next thing. It is your thoughts that overwhelm you, not the laundry itself. The laundry is just what you are doing as you live in this precious moment, aware of Spirit, in you, through you, all around you...holding this whole big beautiful mess together. It is all what you need, my friend...love what it is."

lovelovelove and peace...
~R~

More inspiration in the kitchen...

Something happened to me yesterday. It was a moment that struck softly but penetrated through and through. Standing in my kitchen, smearing peanut butter across a slice of bread, I was suddenly awoken to the thought that I have everything I need to be blissfully happy in life. Not that this is a really new thought to me. I can't recount how many times I, even in the midst of my own battles with sorrow or frustration, have reminded my children that they in fact have all the wisdom, strength and love that they need for every circumstance right inside of them. Learning to plumb those depths is different from the initial knowledge. Blake's “universe in a grain of sand” seems still too unfathomable to claim as our very own...essence. And yet, this is exactly the sort of moment I had, not in my solitary meditations, but packing my kids lunches for school.
Happiness is a choice...not a striving choice, but a surrendering choice.
We cannot create happiness by amassing wealth or possessions. We cannot expect our family, spouses, children or friends to bring us happiness. Changed circumstances will not bring lasting happiness. Circumstances change, people fail us, and excessive possessions only create an increasing hunger for more. I am not asserting that these things cannot bring some sense of happiness, only that lasting joy and peace come from within yourself. From that wellspring is your soul's inheritance, God's eternal spirit in you. You come from joy.
But here I am writing about something that was just a nugget in my subconscious last week. I haven't stumbled on any thing new. Most of us just aren't living in the awareness of eternity. We get by day after day, going about our responsibilities with our minds wandering in yesterday or tomorrow or in any other place but here...and now. And yet we long for something more, something purposeful and fulfilling. Our vision is farsighted. We look right past the tip of our nose, reaching for something that seems more noble and lasting. But here is our blindness. Looking beyond, we miss those nearest us...those in our community, our street, our home.